Independent, Assisted Living, Nursing Homes and Memory Care Facilities

When my dad was born, his mother and father told him what to do but he rarely ever did it. He might agree to do something but then quickly get distracted as soon as the subject changed or he spotted something interesting. Luckily his parent knew he was a kid and they did not expect him to be able to stay focused a task. The expectation was low and so the consequences were minor. Most parent just keep helping their children until they are able to be responsible for themselves.

Now, it’s eighty years and many drinks later. Dad established his credibility as a responsible person for many years and managed his finances is an acceptable way. As he aged, he slowly lost his sharp edge. Even before the stroke, he started making questionable judgment calls like only paying bills from people that he liked. But now that irrational streak has expanded and he judgment is scary. Like many seniors, they slowly slip to the point of being legally incompetent but there are usually many years before this point where they are on the boarder. This is the crisis period for many families. The aging adult can’t take care of them self but they refuse to get the help they need. There are basically 4 strategies for dealing with the period.

• Play hard ball and tell the parents what is best for them just like when they were kids. If they won’t do it, do it for them.
• Be nice and reinforce the issue. This can take weeks or even years of saying the same thing over and over every day. This is an option only for less important issues.
• Wait and see what happens. Most unbalanced situations eventually crumble to some kind of conclusion but picking up the pieces can be more difficult than the solving the problem before the fall.
• Throw your hands in the air and say “if that is what they really want then they can have it”.

I have used all four options with my father including the fourth. I usually calm down eventually and chose another option. The first option is usually the best option if your heart is in the right place. In many cases, my relationship with my father was not strong enough that he would allow me to take control and make it happen. I use option two plenty and would guess that ti worked about 20% of the time. I used a combination of options two and three in one case. The result was my step-mother died from over drinking. I did say “I told you so” and tried to use this unfortunate event to force him to make some other decisions to avoid have the some thing happen to himself.

My advice for other people is don’t use option four. and try to avoid option three. If you consider them like a child, you just have to do your best to help them and not let it get you down. Have the same patience that you would have with a baby or child. When ever possible, use options one and two. It may be painful but in the end, you will glad you gave your parents your best effort.